


Child's Play--Baby Regal's Revenge

by GoldsJRZGirl



Series: Gold Standard [10]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Baby Evil Queen | Regina Mills, Children, F/M, Family, Fantasy, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:55:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4436294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldsJRZGirl/pseuds/GoldsJRZGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Queen might be Evil, but I'm Wicked-and Wicked always wins! Thus says Zelena, who delights in keeping Rumple captive. But what happens when she meets a certain Baby Regal? And makes a deal to play a game with the stakes as Rumple's freedom? Who will win-Wicked or Naughty? AU ending of Witch Hunt! Gold Standard AU!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Child's Play--Baby Regal's Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was written because I couldn't stand Rumple being in that cage anymore, and also because of a prompt that suggested I sic baby Regina on the witch. Because nobody puts Rumple in a cage!
> 
> Also there will be TWO Rumples in this fic-OUAT Rumple will be referred to as Rumple and GS Rumple-will be referred to as Mr. Gold to avoid confusion.
> 
> Enjoy, and by now we know I don't own them, dearies!

_Storybrooke, Maine_

_Present day, Gold Standard AU:_

It was a slow day at Gold's Pawnshop, something that Mr. Gold was grateful for right then, because he'd been up at the crack of dawn feeding the twins that morning and still felt muzzyheaded. He also had Regina there this morning, because he'd agreed to take her to see Disney's _Frozen_ that afternoon, since David got stuck in a board meeting and she'd been so upset she nearly made herself sick crying over it until a rather desperate Mayor Nolan had asked Rumple to please do him this favor. So Rumple had agreed, but the movie wasn't until twelve thirty and it was only nine now.

Regina tugged on his sleeve. "Unca Rumple, I'm bored."

"Really, dearie? Why don't you play with Sofia?" he suggested, naming her favorite rag doll, which he had made for her.

"Okay, I'm gonna get her!" the toddler said, and ran into the back room where her duffle was to get her doll and another stuffed animal, a panther named Shadow.

"Now you stay right over here between these baskets on this blanket and play quietly for awhile," he instructed. "Then we'll go to Granny's for lunch before seeing Frozen."

"Yay, Granny's!" Regina cried. "Can I gets a hot dog there? An' soda?"

"We'll see," he hedged, not wanting to say yes, because he didn't like Regina drinking soda, the sugar got her wired and she'd never sit down for the movie then.

"Can we get popcorn at the movies, Unca Rumple?"

"Yes, now play with Sofia," he prompted, knowing if he didn't, she'd pester him with questions endlessly.

As he went to rearrange some antiques, a customer came in wanting to sell some highly priced items of jewelry, and Gold was kept busy for the next twenty minutes checking them out with his database to make sure they weren't stolen and coming up with a fair offer for them.

Regina played happily with Sofia and Shadow for the next five minutes, but then grew bored again and decided to go get a coloring book out of her bag. On the way there, she passed the door to the basement, which was usually locked.

But that day the door was open just a crack.

Now Regina knew to stay out of the basement. She'd seen Goosebumps on TV and knew that monsters could be lurking there. And Rumple had told her a dozen times to never go down there. She was going to obey, really she was. She was going to get her coloring book and go back and color while her uncle talked with the woman with the green purse.

But the door loomed temptingly in her vision. And she had always been too curious for her own good.

 _I's just gonna take a peek. Then I'll come right up again,_ she thought, and she slipped down the basement steps.

The basement was rather dusty and filled with boxes and bags of old things. She peered into a few of them and on the table where Rumple had put together a few potions. But there was nothing of interest there. Disappointed, she moved deeper into the basement and past a large old-fashioned mirror on a pedestal.

As she went by, she looked into the mirror, expecting to see herself. Instead she saw someplace else—somewhere with a cage . . . and inside the cage was Rumple!

Regina was so shocked she froze. Then she looked again, and saw that it was indeed her uncle in a cage! He looked all scruffy and his clothes were torn and dirty, she had never seen him look like that. He was kneeling on the floor, and in his face was a look of desperation.

"Unca Rumple!" she cried. Now a part of her knew that the Rumple in the mirror and her uncle couldn't be the same, because her uncle was right upstairs talking to that lady. Being only three and a half, however, she couldn't articulate or explain about parallel universes yet.

As she watched, she saw a tall lady with reddish hair and green tinged skin dressed rather like a witch come down some stairs and say something to Mirror Rumple, then shove a tray with a bowl into the cage. She saw Mirror Rumple pick up the bowl and mutter something to it and then start eating what looked like rice with his hands! Like a dog! She thought indignantly.

The sight totally unnerved her. She would have run upstairs then but she recalled something from seeing the woman. She had green skin-like the Wicked Witch of the West! Regina's little hands clenched into fists. She couldn't let the Wicked Witch hurt her Rumple! "Nobody puts Unca Rumple in a cage!" she cried angrily. "And I'm gonna bust him outta there!"

She stood up on tip toe and put her hand upon the mirror frame, then cried, "Mirror mirror on the wall—take me to rescue Rumple in the mirror!"

Because any idiot knew that you had to make a request from a magic mirror.

Then the glass shimmered and rippled, like a waterfall, and Regina jumped as high as she could and flew through the mirror.

She landed on the other side in a large room that looked sort of . . . familiar to her. And next to her on a little table was a wand!

It was a black wand, and for a moment, Regina hesitated in picking it up. She'd gotten in serious trouble that summer from touching a wand from the convent and making a T-rex come alive in the museum in New York. So she knew she shouldn't touch this wand. But she had to get Rumple free of the cage.

And so she needed help. She snatched the wand up and ran down the hall, waving it slightly.

Down a set of stairs she ran, and into the room with the cage. Rumple was inside, still kneeling on the floor, looking rumpled. He was licking bits of rice off his fingers and then wiping his hands on his shirt with a grimace.

"Uh . . . Unca Rumple!" Regina called. "I've come to get ya out!"

Rumple looked up, to see a little girl standing there in a purple sweatshirt with _I Love Unicorns_ on it, and jeans and light-up sneakers holding a wand in her hand. He rubbed his eyes, fearing this were a trick, or a hallucination.

"Are . . . are you talking to me, dearie?"

"Uh huh. Who put you in the cage?" asked the intrepid toddler.

"A . . . bad witch named . . . Zelena," he told her softly.

"I knew it! I knew she was bad!" declared Regina fiercely. "Well, I'm gonna get you outta there! With this!" and she waved the black wand around again.

"Be careful," Rumple cautioned.

"Kay, Unca Rumple," Regina said. Then she pointed the wand at the cage.

Nothing happened.

The toddler shook the wand. "Aww! C'mon, you piece of junk!"

"You need to concentrate," Rumple urged. "Think really hard, dearie."

"I'm twying!" she huffed.

Rumple just prayed she could do it, he couldn't touch the wand through the cage, and even if he could, _she_ would sense it through the dagger and stop him.

Regina pointed the wand at the cage again. "Alla-Kazam!" she shouted.

The cage door quivered, but that was all.

"Rats! Stupid black wand!" the child cried.

Suddenly footsteps were heard tapping their way down the stairs.

"Eek!" Regina squeaked and turned to hide, but there was nowhere for her to do so.

Zelena came down the stairs and saw . . . a little child holding the Black Fairy's wand!

"What are _you_ doing here?" she snarled. "Give me that!"

Regina danced backwards. "Nuh-uh! You gotta ask me nicely! Say pretty please with sugar on top!"

"Give me that, you brat! Before I roast you!" Zelena made as if to grab the wand again.

"No!" yelled Regina, giving Zelena her Royal Awful face. "You want it, ya gotta make a deal for it."

Zelena laughed. "What do you want, little girl? Candy? Toys?"

"Nope. I gots enough of those. I want you to let Unca Rumple outta there!" she pointed to the cage.

Zelena was floored. "You want what? HE's your uncle?"

Regina rolled her eyes. "What are you, deaf? I just _said_ that! Maybe you need Miracle Ear, huh?"

"I do not!" snapped the witch.

Behind Regina, in the cage, Rumple giggled. "She needs more than that, little imp!" Then he giggled again.

"Shut up!" Zelena growled.

"Hey! You don't talk like that!" Regina lectured.

"I'll talk however I like, brat! Now why would you want me to let this—crazy imp go?"

Regina glared at her. "Cuz nobody puts Unca Rumple in a cage, lady! It's mean an' 'sgusting! Why's there newspaper on the floor, huh?" She pointed to the cage floor. "You want him to pee on that? Like a dog? Jeez Louise, lady, but you're stupid!"

"How dare you speak to me like that?" Zelena snapped. "You—you—"

"The name's Regina, lady! Now buzz off!"

"Regina? Like the Evil Queen?" Zelena gasped. Surely this couldn't be . . . "Who are your parents, girl? Tell me!"

"What for? You gonna call em?" she demanded sassily.

"Tell me!"

"Fine! Mary Margaret and David Nolan."

Not recognizing those names, Zelena frowned. "Okay, Regina. I'll make a deal with you. I'll let your . . . uncle out of this cage . . . if you can convince me it's in my best interest to do so. And you give me the wand."

Regina frowned. "How about I give you the wand . . . after four hours when I make you let Unca Rumple out?" she bargained.

"Four hours?" Zelena smirked. "That's all you think it'll take to convince me?"

"Yup. That's all."

Zelena started laughing. "Very well, my pretty! You've got a deal!" She held out her hand to shake.

Regina promptly spit in hers, then grabbed the witch's hand and shook it. "Deal!"

Zelena snatched her hand back, grimacing. "Yuck!" Then she went and wiped it on her black dress.

Behind them, Rumple snickered at the witch's obvious disgust. His money was on the toddler, who had more spunk and sass than anyone he knew . . . except perhaps the actual Evil Queen.

"So . . . when ya gonna let him out?" Regina asked.

"Maybe later," Zelena said. "You see, I'm wicked and wicked always wins!" Then she laughed coldly and went upstairs.

"Good try, dearie," Rumple said to Regina.

"She ain't gonna win!" Regina declared. "She might be wicked, but _I'm_ Naughty! And Naughty never fails! So there!"

She waved the wand again . . . and suddenly a blanket and a bowl of Golden Grahams with a spoon appeared inside the cage.

"Whoo hoo! I did it!" Regina cried. "I gave you a blanket an' some real food!"

"Thank you," Rumple said gratefully. "Now go and 'convince' her to let me go, Regina. Be as naughty as you like."

The little girl grinned slyly. "Really? Cool!" Then she skipped up the stairs, singing, "I get to be naughty. Hahaha! Watch out, Zelena, cuz the Badass Baby is coming!"

In the cage, Rumple pulled the blanket around him and began eating the cereal, thinking Zelena should start running.

**Page~*~*~*~Break**

Regina found the wicked witch making a potion. "Whatcha doin'?"

"I'm busy. Go away," said Zelena irritably. "Play or something."

"Play?" Regina snickered. "Okay!" She waved her wand, thinking hard.

Suddenly a horde of identical Barbies dressed in black pants and shirts carrying flaming torches and squirt guns appeared in the room. "Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Drown the witch! Push her under!" they screamed in maniacal glee as they marched across the floor.

Zelena looked up when she heard them screaming and felt something stab her foot. "Hey! What—what the hell is this?"

On one side were the Barbies screaming about burning and drowning witches, and on the other side were blond haired Barbies in ripped up jungle clothes with forks and knives in their hands, yammering, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives! First I'm gonna ketch 'er, then I'm gonna eat 'er!"

"You told me to go play. So I's playin," Regina replied innocently. "With Witch Hunting Barbie and Cannibal Barbie."

"Drown the witch! Push her under!" the Witch Hunting Barbies screeched and Zelena yelled as she was pelted with water droplets.

"Oww! You little cretin! Get them away!" she started running back through the rooms, while behind her the horde of man-eating and witch-murdering Barbies followed.

"Why's you running away? They just wann play with you!" giggled Regina as the witch ran down the hallway.

She smirked diabolically, and began planning what else she could do.

Zelena was panting by the time she banished all the wretched dolls to some other dimension.

"I oughta wring her little neck!" she swore and stomped back to her potion's lab, where she found Regina happily mixing potions. "You! Quit touching!" she yelped. "You want to blow us up?"

"Cool! You can blow things up?" Regina looked delighted.

"Um . . . never mind," the witch said hastily. Then she thought maybe she could trick the child with a bit of kindness. "So . . . are you hungry?" she purred. "Do you want some candy?"

Regina eyed her coldly. "Nope. I want cookies."

"Cookies? You . . . want _me_ to bake cookies?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Err . . . because . . . I . . ."

The toddler snorted. "Dontcha know how to make cookies? What kind of witch are you, lady, that you can't even make cookies?" she sneered.

"Of course I can make cookies!" Zelena snapped, flushing.

"So make some. I like chocolate chip," Regina declared.

"All right. Chocolate chip it is!" the witch laughed, then summoned a spell book and began to flip through it, hoping to find a recipe.

Regina skipped around singing in a high shrill voice, "This is the song that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on my friend! This is the song that never ends . . ."

After ten minutes Zelena's head was killing her. "Shut up!" she yelled, "I can't hear myself think!"

Regina continued singing, using her most annoying shrill voice.

Zelena was ready to climb the walls.

Just then, one of her flying monkeys entered the room. It screamed to get her attention.

"Ooh! C'mere, pretty bat-monkey, so's I can pet you!" the little girl yelled. She ran over to the monkey. "Let's play tea party!" She waved the wand and a tea set sprang up on a table, and the monkey was now dressed in Zelena's clothes.

As Regina went to pour the tea, the witch cried, "Those-those are _my_ clothes! On my . . . it . . . has fleas!"

"So? We's playing dress up," Regina shrugged. She had on a flowered hat. "You makin' cookies yet?"

"No! I mean yes!" the witch cried, and hastily went back to conjuring raw cookie dough up and shoving it on a sheet into her oven. She checked the clock on the wall. An hour had gone by. Just an hour. She had only three more of the little pest to endure. She breathed a sigh of relief.

Two minutes went by, and the monkey started eating the table cloth and throwing the cups and saucers against the wall and clapping.

"All right!" Regina grabbed up the remainder and chucked them at the wall too.

They began shattering with several loud crashes.

"Stop! You're making a mess!"

Regina put a hand to her mouth. "Oops! Sorry!" then she smirked adorably and asked, "Hey, those cookies done yet?"

"No."

"You promised me cookies."

"They're in the oven."

"Are they done yet?"

"No."

"When will they be done?"

"When they're done."

"Now? Are they done now?"

"No. Just read a book."

"I don't know how to read yet, silly. I'm only three."

"Just look at the pictures, then."

"Are the cookies done yet?"

"Stop asking me that!" Zelena cried.

Regina smirked behind her hand. "What are we havin' to drink?"

"To drink?"

"Yeah. With the cookies. Let's have fruit punch."

Zelena goggled at her. "What's that?"

Regina sighed. This witch was clearly brain dead. "It's Kool Aid. You know, it's red and it tastes like fruit." And her mommy rarely let her have it, except once in awhile. "I want that."

"I . . . I don't know what that is," Zelena admitted, wondering how a single glance could make her feel so dumb.

"I'll do it!" the child said exasperatedly, and waved her wand.

A pitcher of icy cold Kool Aid popped up on the table along with two glasses. "There! You gonna let Unca Rumple outta the cage now?"

"No."

"How come?" she scowled.

"Because I don't want to," the witch sang.

"You're a butthole!"

"You watch your mouth!" Zelena growled.

"How can I do that? It's on my face."

"Arrgh!" the witch was ready to throw a fireball at the child, but realized that would break their deal, and so she stomped back downstairs to check on her prisoner.

Rumple was still kneeling in the cage . . . on top of the blanket, and hiding the cereal bowl and spoon behind him.

"That little wretch!" Zelena swore, pacing up and down.

"Ooh, someone's getting a little hot under the collar!"

"You shut your mouth! Telling me I have to make cookies! And give her Kool Aid, whatever that is! Who does she think I am, her grandma?"

"She's told you to give her cookies _and_ Kool Aid?" Rumple queried.

"Yes! Why do you care?"

"Oh, dearie. I'd think twice!" he sniggered.

"Who asked you?" snorted the witch. "Like you know anything about kids!"

Rumple leaned back on his haunches. "You're right, Zelena. I don't know nothin' 'bout raising no children!" he said in a high squeaky voice.

Zelena glared at him. Before she could say anything else, Regina's voice floated down the stairs. "Hey! The cookies are done!"

Zelena ran pell mell up the staircase.

Rumple rubbed his hands in glee as she did so.

_Twenty minutes later:_

Zelena was carefully adding the dragon's blood to the bit of blood that her monkey captain had brought her when Regina slammed into her legs.

"Whoops!" the child screeched, jumping and running around her table, while some green-furred monkeys chased her.

"Knock it off! I'm making a potion!"

Regina pretended not to hear her. "C'mon, Oscar! Fuzzface! Can't catch me!"

She raced about the room like a demented wind up toy, screaming, "Follow the yellowbrick road! Follow, follow, follow the yellowbrick road!"

Zelena put her hands on her ears. She was nearly ready to find the yellowbrick road herself and run down it.

"Get out! Go play somewhere else! Anywhere else!"

"You lettin' out Unca Rumple now?" the child asked aggravatingly.

"No! Now go!" the witch pointed with one long bony finger towards the door. "You too!" she bellowed at the monkeys.

"C'mon, monkey boys! We's gonna play a new game!" the child screamed on the top of her lungs. "It's called protest march!"

The wicked witch slammed the door to her laboratory. Finally, some peace and quiet!

Ten minutes later she had finished her potion and was congratulating herself on only having two more hours to go when the most unholy racket was heard outside the door.

Alarmed at all the screaming and fearing someone had invaded (besides the little headache called Regina), the wicked witch yanked open the door to see . . .

. . .Regina marching at the head of twenty flying monkeys, banging a drum loudly and chanting, "Free Unca Rumple! Free Unca Rumple! No more cages!"

The monkeys were screaming and jumping up and down, holding signs that had a cage drawn on it in and a big red circle with a line through it and the word NO! They were bouncing all over and yelling like a horde of lost souls from the netherworld.

"Cease this racket! At once!" she cried.

The monkeys ignored her. So did Regina.

"Free Unca Rumple! Free Unca Rumple! No more cages! I'll put you in the zoo!" Regina chanted, bashing loudly on the drum she'd conjured.

The witch waved a hand at some of the monekys and they froze.

"Aww! What'd ya do that for?" Regina whined.

The witch put her hands on her hips. "You're subverting my monkeys, you little imp!"

"You're gross! I ain't doin' nothin' like that! We's having a protest march! Like we done on Thanksgiving to free the turkeys!" Regina growled. "You gonna free Unca Rumple?"

"Never! And you can't make me!" the witch cackled.

"Can't I?" the child muttered. Then she tugged on the wicked witch's dress. "Uh . . . where's the potty?"

"No one can make me! You can't make me!" Zelena sang triumphantly, ignoring the little girl's tugging and question. "I'm going to win! Because wicked always wins!" She began to laugh, her most evil laugh . . .until she felt something warm and wet flow over her foot.

"Uh oh."

Zelena looked down.

She was standing in a puddle of urine.

Her mouth opened and shut and nothing came out.

"Oops! I peed in my Ariel panties!"

"You _peed_ on my foot!" Zelena howled, shaking it. "Like a . . . damn dog!"

"I toldja I needed the potty."

The witch hopped around. "You disgusting little beast!"

"Hey, lady. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go."

Zelena disappeared in a cloud of green smoke.

Regina gave the monkey a high five.

**Page~*~*~*~*~Break**

Zelena appeared in the room where Rumple was caged with a sharp pop. Her hair was all sticking up and she looked like she was about to snap.

"Rough day?" trilled the imp inside the cage.

"That disgusting little beast _peed_ on me!" Zelena stormed. "And she's bouncing off the walls like a bloody jack-in-the-box!"

Rumple giggled. "Oh dearie dearie dear! I told you so! Cookies and Kool Aid— _bad_ combination!"

"Oh, shut your pie hole!" spat the witch. "My monkeys are revolting!"

"Well, they ARE your monkeys, dearie!" Rumple giggled insanely.

"She's turned them against me, the wretched little brat!" the witch snarled.

"You mean . . . you're being outmaneuvered by a three-year-old, Zelena?" asked Rumple snidely. This was the most fun he'd had in ages, watching this toddler stomp all over his dumber than dirt former apprentice. He wished there was a betting pool.

"You shut up! She's not a child, she's the Evil Queen!"

More giggling followed that statement, until Zelena threw a bowl at the cage and ran out to find half her monkeys still marching while the other half were shredding up the curtains and Regina swinging from a drape screaming like Tarzan.

"What the HELL are you doing?"

"Playin' Tarzan. Me Jane. You Witchy Poo. OOO-aa-OOOO!"

"Get down! You're wrecking my castle!"

"So? It's a game," Regina shrugs. "We's in the jungle now. Whee!" she swung on the drape so much it tore off and then she landed on the back of one of the flying monkeys and it flew into the air with her, where she waved her wand and conjured a coconut and dropped it right on Zelena's head.

"Oww!"

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts . . . diddly dee, here they are standing in a row!" Regina sang, then threw another one at Zelena, hitting her in the thigh.

"What are you doing, you hooligan?" she shook her fist at the child.

"Playin' target practice! Whoo-hoo!"

Zelena ducked another coconut. "I know! You must be tired. Why don't you take a nap?" she suggested, nearly biting her nails. She put a sharp suggestion into her words, and to her delight, saw Regina yawn.

"Okay. Down, boy!" the monkey flew down and Regina stepped off of him. "Where am I gonna sleep?"

"Right here!" Zelena gestured and a large bed with a pink canopy and a ruffled pink bedspread appeared. "Now isn't that nice?"

Regina climbed on the bed and bounced on it. "It's okay. So . . . are you gonna get on? I need you to tell me a story before I go to sleep."

"Okay. I can do that!" Zelena hopped on the bed. It was working! The child would fall asleep and miss the appointed hour and Zelena would have the wand back and make this little imp be her personal slave for life.

Regina lay down.

So did Zelena.

Zelena cleared her throat and began. "Once upon a time there lived a little girl and she went into the forest alone and found a house . . ."

Next thing she knew, she was yawning too. It had been a long day. She peered over and saw Regina's eyes were closed.

Smirking , Zelena rolled over. She really should get up . . . but it was so comfy here . . . and before she knew it, her eyes had closed.

_An hour later:_

Zelena was dreaming of crushing Regina beneath her high heeled boot when her eyes were suddenly wrenched open and a little voice sang, "It's time to rise and shine, rise and shine—WAKE UP, ZELENA! I want peanut butter and jelly!"

Zelena screamed and fell right off the bed.

Regina started laughing. "Now let's play a game!" she waved the wand and a big spatula popped up in her hand. "Little Bunny Foo Foo hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head!"

BOP!

The spatula smacked Zelena in the head as she rubbed her eyes.

"Ahh! What the hell are you doing?" the witch cried, rubbing it.

"Playing Little Bunny Foo Foo!" announced Regina, singing the song and then bopping the witch on the head again.

Zelena staggered to her feet. "I'm going to bop you on the head!"

She went to swat Regina.

But the child was too quick. "Missed me, missed me, now ya gotta kiss me! Eeeww!"

She made a face and bolted across the floor.

Zelena chased her. As she ran through the Hall of Mirrors, all the mirrors started laughing and screaming, showing her an ugly old crone and yelling, "You're so ugly, yo mama gave you away to the dogcatcher!"

With a shriek, Zelena spun around and shattered all her mirrors with her magic.

"Where are you?" she yelled. "Come out, come out wherever you are!"

But Regina had disappeared.

Zelena stomped down the hallway, her heels pounding out a death march. When she got a hold of that horrid child—SPLASH!

Water pelted her from a doorway.

Zelena shrieked and shook her hand, as it burned like acid. "BRAT!"

Regina's giggles emerged from the doorway.

The witch teleported over to the room, only to find it empty.

Then more water splashed onto her backside.

Followed by more giggles.

Zelena screamed and went to chase Regina, who showed herself for an instant before disappearing.

"I'm going to chop you up and fricassee you!"

"But first you gotta find me! It's hide and seek! And you're it!"

By the time fifteen minutes had gone by, Zelena was frustrated, hurting, and utterly distraught.

She put her hands to her head and ran screaming through the palace. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! TAKE HER AWAY! SOMEBODY, TAKE HER AWAY!"

"Oh, Zele-e-na!" Regina's little voice echoed through the palace. "Wanna play a game?"

"NO! NO!" the witch was sobbing now, tears running down her cheeks and leaving pockmarks in her skin. "Please, leave me alone!" Her head was about to explode after listening to fifty renditions of "This is the Song That Never Ends" and "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts", getting hit in the head with a coconut, shot at, pissed on, bopped with a spatula, and getting attacked by man-eating witch-hunting dolls.

She ran as fast as she could down the stairs to Rumple's cage.

As she fumbled for the key, gasping and whimpering, Regina bounded down the stairs.

"You gonna let Unca Rumple out now?" the little girl asked. "Or do ya wanna play doctor next?"

Zelena gave her a look of utter horror. "Wait! Wait!" she stammered as she turned the key in the lock. "There! He's free!" she trembled and fell to her knees. "Take her away, Rumplestiltskin! Far far away!"

Rumple's hand shot out and wrapped around the witch's neck. "One moment, dearie. Where's my dagger?"

The witch choked and gasped.

"Bring it to me!" he ordered.

The dagger appeared just as the witch's eyes bulged out.

"Good! And now . . . some payback for trapping me in this hellhole and treating me worse than an animal!" he spat. Then he snapped his fingers and the witch became a small gray spider.

Which he then smushed beneath his boot.

Regina hooted. "Yay! 'cause Unca Rumple kicks everybody's butt!"

The sorcerer turned and smiled at her. "Thank you, dearie." He held out a hand.

Regina gave him a high five. "Who's bad?" she smirked.

**Page~*~*~*~*~Break**

"Regina! Regina, wake up, dearie!"

Regina opened her eyes and sat up. Rumple was kneeling next to her, his hand on her shoulder. "Unca Rumple! You're not in a cage!"

"A cage? You must have been dreaming, dearie. I've been right here in my shop, negotiating with a customer. You fell asleep here in my back room, on your little bed."

"I did? But . . . I fell through a mirror . . . and there was wicked witch that trapped you in a cage . . . and I made a deal with her . . ." Regina replied, looking around her.

She was indeed in her uncle's shop, back where she belonged.

"You can tell me the whole story later, dearie. Now let's go eat some lunch and go to the movies," Mr. Gold said, and then he scooped her up in his arms.

Regina grinned and laid her head down on his shoulder. "You know sumpin? You kicked that wicked witch's butt!"

"Really, dearie?"

"Uh huh! And so did I!" then she gave him a kiss, because she was so happy that he was here and not trapped in a nasty old cage like a dog. But that had been some dream!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: But was it really? Or did OUAT Rumple just send her back and make her think that?


End file.
